Category Archives: Superhero secrets

Human Torch — Secrets!!!

by Jesse

People always ask, but really it’s the one part that NEVER catches fire.

Secrets!

Ben always tries to put my hand in warm water when I’m asleep, but that never works. Except when it does.

Secrets!

I spent my twenties partying with Milk and Cheese and fighting the establishment. Then I spent my thirties chillin’ with Bob Dylan and relaxin’ like Michael Jackson.

Secrets!

I think it’s great they got Captain America to play me in the movie. I KINDA wish they had gotten Thor, though.

Secrets!

Most days I feel too old for the superhero gig. But if I don’t get with the Atlantean, or Inhuman, or Kree, or Skrull hotties, who will?

SECRETS!!!

Jonah Hex — Secrets!

by Jesse

Mah horse’s name is Bullet. After yer mama.

Secrets!

Yew wanna know how I got th’ scars? Th’ real story is at davidicke.com.

Secrets!

If that sumbitch Chris Claremont tries to dialogue me again ah’ll
murder every Guthrie from Kentucky to Westchester County.

Secrets!

Ah really did mount Mr. Gatling’s gun to mah horse but it didn’t shoot bullets, it shot syphilis.

Secrets!

The hat was from mah mama, who won it off Col. J.E.B. Stuart in a card game.

SECRETS!!!

Red Robin — Secrets!

by Jesse

I guess my favorite villain was King Snake. They say you never forget your first.

Secrets!

Just in case anyone’s interested, D&D Friday night at Monty’s. BYO Mountain Dew and Cheetos.

Secrets!

You find some crazy shit in The Cave. Like all of Harold’s Jessica Fletcher fanfic.

Secrets!

The Electrocutioner tried to break Steph and I up for a while, so I posted his secret identity on Wikipedia.

Secrets!

The worst thing about the Teen Titans? The enforced sobriety. You really think I’m gonna go punch out The Riddler sober?

SECRETS!!!

Batmobile… SECRETS

by Matt

The Batboat… he’s…well, the Batboat is the Aquaman of the Batcave…if you catch my drift.

secret…

There are a lot of sexy times happening in and on top of me. Alfred seems to be a strong but tender lover of women… so…so many women.

Secret…

I don’t mind the wrecks so much. It’s the transporting of the crims. They do unspeakable things on my upholstery.

Secret

I’d bang the Invisible Jet, marry the Fantasticar, and kill the Supermobile. He’s worse than the Batboat.

SECRET…

For a guy that purports to hate them so much, Batman built a ton of guns into my chassis.

SECRETS!!!

Bane — Secrets!

by Jesse

I wasn’t trying to snap The Bat’s spine, just stretch him out a
little. He’s way too tense.

Secrets!

Shouldn’t Venom and I have been the villains in the
Spider-Man/Batman crossover?

Secrets!

The twist ending of the new movie? We never find out if the top
stops spinning.

Secrets!

The only Capital in this Bane is ‘B’!

Secrets!

Hey Rush Limbaugh, why didn’t you invite me on your show 20 years
ago when I first came out???

SECRETS!!!

Uncle Sam — Secrets!

by Jesse

No, I’m NOT really your uncle. It’s a metaphor.

Secrets!

You know what phrase I don’t really care for? “Ratzi.” Being a Nazi is a bad enough insult.

Secrets!

Don’t tell “Aunt Samantha,” but that Ma Hunkel sure can bake a pie, if you know what I mean.

Secrets!

Call me crazy, but I love old-school hip-hop. It speaks to the streets from whence I came.

Secrets!

This time tomorrow, everyone will have forgotten about me…until next year. Well, except J.P. Sousa. That guy keeps me in his heart like I don’t know what.

SECRETS!!!

Mister Miracle — Secrets!

by Jesse

Kids, I’ve escaped from many things in my day, but one thing I CAN’T escape is the love of a good woman.

Secrets!

One snuggle from Big Barda and you’ll forget all that perverse and unnatural time you spent with Oberon in the lab.

Secrets!

The love of Granny Goodness is nothing next to the unforgiving embrace of your own Female Fury.

Secrets!

The only thing I’d ever want to escape now is the single life.

Secrets!

Yup, kiss life as you know it goodbye.

SECRETS!!!

Emma Frost — Secrets!

by Jesse

I can make my body display the toe of any animal.

Secrets!

Honestly, I’m glad Frank Quitely includes the zipper on my costume. Nobody else thinks about how I’m going to take out my penis.

Secrets!

It’s not blue lip gloss, I just make out with Bobby Drake a LOT.

Secrets!

The X-Men are WAY more evil than the Hellfire Club. Cyclops NEVER pays his parking tickets!

Secrets!

I guess if there’s anything I’ve learned during my time with the X-Men, it’s this: Psylocke is a lousy psychic.

SECRETS!!!

Loki… SECRETS!

by Matt

I got yer Norn Stones right here.

secret…

My proudest moment to date would have to be winning a local day-time Emmy for hard hitting investigative reporting into corrupt Asgardians.

Secret…

Asgardian hair is made of what you mortals call “cotton candy.” It’s delicious.

SECRET…

Sure I tricked Thor to turn into a woman and a frog, and I convinced Odin to banish him to Earth, but I’m most proud of the time I tricked Thor into getting a job at Burger King. “Verily thou hast had it thine way!”

SECRET…

Embarrassing trends and goofy turns of phrase have always been my specialty.

SECRETS!

Supergirl — Secrets!

by Jesse

I couldn't BELIEVE the fuss when I switched to undershorts. Wait, they WHAT?!?!?

Secrets!

I'm glad I had streaky. Kal refused to get Krypto "fixed".

Secrets!

I don't know why these rumors persist about me and Luthor. Wait, Luthor and I. Wait, no. Grammar is dumb, kids.

Secrets!

They coined the term "muffin top" after me. When I was a kid Ma Kent liked to bake pies a LIIIIIIIIIITTLE too much.

Secrets!

You may have guessed, I have one secret go-to move that's in every Kryptonian's arsenal.

SECRETS!!!