Red Hulk is the Hulk of Champions.
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So Iooked Barnes square in the eye after breakfast, and I said,”Son, I know Captain America. He made me pancakes once; he was a personal friend of mine. You sir are no Captain America.
A speech I delivered to the GAO regarding hookers, cocaine, and multi-million dollar Hulk-busting armor inspired Aaron Sorkin to write a scene in “West Wing.”
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Back in my day, we didn’t have any numbers larger than 4.
SECRETS!
I can make my body display the toe of any animal.
Honestly, I’m glad Frank Quitely includes the zipper on my costume. Nobody else thinks about how I’m going to take out my penis.
It’s not blue lip gloss, I just make out with Bobby Drake a LOT.
The X-Men are WAY more evil than the Hellfire Club. Cyclops NEVER pays his parking tickets!
I guess if there’s anything I’ve learned during my time with the X-Men, it’s this: Psylocke is a lousy psychic.
I couldn't BELIEVE the fuss when I switched to undershorts. Wait, they WHAT?!?!?
I'm glad I had streaky. Kal refused to get Krypto "fixed".
I don't know why these rumors persist about me and Luthor. Wait, Luthor and I. Wait, no. Grammar is dumb, kids.
They coined the term "muffin top" after me. When I was a kid Ma Kent liked to bake pies a LIIIIIIIIIITTLE too much.
You may have guessed, I have one secret go-to move that's in every Kryptonian's arsenal.
The snake is a great metaphor...Phor gettin' bitches back to my crib!
My most evil world domination plan yet: Game of Thrones.
I'm responsible for 7 of the last 9 songs that only describe how to do a dance.
I've got 80% of the Republican candidates on my payroll. Ron Paul refuses to see the light, though.
People really don't understand the burden of leading a terrorist organization...And staying trim enough to fit into this jumpsuit.
Most people don't know this, but I had my name legally changed to Captain America.
Being asleep for 4 decades isn't so bad. The pornography has gotten
WAY better overnight!
Bucky staying dead was one of the inviolate rules of comics for
decades. So much so they originally planned on Ben Parker being
Winter Soldier.
Don't tell anyone, but I preferred Rob Liefeld's eagle to this dumb A.
I'm thinking about running for president, but I don't think the Tea
Party would really go for my policies.
Remember my "death" during the Crisis? It was a cover story... I was in rehab.
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Ummmm... I don't know if you guys know this but... I'm a 2D fictional character. So don't be so weird. 'Kay?
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Where's Streaky? He's on a farm in Vermont spending days chasing mice and balls of yarn. I'm told he's happy.
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The best thing about being Supergirl? I get into Justin Bieber concerts for free.
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A lot of people want to know how Lex and I handled the physical intimacy in our relationship back in the 1990's.
SECRETS!!
I'm related to several signers of the Declaration of Independence.
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I my day when you robbed a bank or a jewelery store, you said "please" and "thank you" to the tellers.
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"Tapioca pudding" is nursing home slang for an octogenarian hook-up.
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I don't get the attraction of May Parker. Otto tried to explain it once...
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These days I'm only robbing banks to keep up my pledge to PBS.
SECRETS!!!
I got my name from the greatest musician of all time: DJ Jazzy Jeff
People don't understand that I'm not wearing sunglasses, I ONLY HAVE ONE WEIRD-SHAPED EYE!
What's big, white, and looks like a bitch? Leader-1!
I wrote all the music I played in the old show. I gots that shit bumpin'!
Man, after that whole Unicron business, I never got seen again. They apparently wanted to go in "another creative direction."
I don't get it. I save lives; I ride a cool bike; I even look good in leather. Why can't I score with the ladies?
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Let me set the record straight. No, I'm not dead. I'm fully corporeal. I have no idea why people call me "Ghost" Rider.
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Sure Hell's hot, but it's a dry heat... so it's not as bad.
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My flaming head has nothing to do with a curse. It's an extreme case of Bieber fever.
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I can't remember a time when my farts weren't explosive.
SECRETS!
I tried the hero thing for a while, but they told me they already had enough Spider-Man/Batman mashups.
I once got off on a murder rap using the bantha defense. "It was cold that night, your honor! I would have frozen to death!" Chump.
I decided to go with slippers because I AM A DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN!
This costume is a Herbie Popnecker original. I traded him for some magic lollipops.
You think you're so great, ARTHUR. I been rockin' this bident for YEARS.
