Super or human,
We gratefully remember
Heroes’ sacrifice.
Author Archives:
Red Hulk… SECRETS!
Red Hulk is the Hulk of Champions.
secret…
So Iooked Barnes square in the eye after breakfast, and I said,”Son, I know Captain America. He made me pancakes once; he was a personal friend of mine. You sir are no Captain America.
A speech I delivered to the GAO regarding hookers, cocaine, and multi-million dollar Hulk-busting armor inspired Aaron Sorkin to write a scene in “West Wing.”
SECRET…
Back in my day, we didn’t have any numbers larger than 4.
SECRETS!
Monday Haiku
Remember that time
That you got played and schooled, Bats?
Whose house? Sherlock’s house!
The LIST: Where are they now?
Between revamps, reboots, various crises, and a decimation, we’ve lost a lot of characters that were once favorites or at least got a lot of panel time. This week we ask about their whereabouts.
Stardust lost everything during an ill-fated trip to Atlantic City and gave up superheroing. Always looking for the next big score, he is currently trying to sue the Internet over the rights to “planking”.
Master Mold I – the sentient sentinel factory was hollowed out and turned into the Genoshan equivalent of Dave and Buster’s.
Irving Forbush – settled down with Ma Hunkle and moved to Flagstaff,
AZ. They’ve raised 7 children who haven’t given them any grandkids
yet. All have cookware on their noggins.
Turok – the famed dinosaur hunter continues to hunt dinsoaur. However, he now also dresses them and sells them in his specialty meats shop located near Encino California.Alfred E. Newman – the former child star worries. A lot. About the
future of your soul.
Vulko – If you’re in the market for a used seahorse, why not swim on over to Crazy Vulko’s Used Seahorse Emporium? We’re the Official Used Seahorse Dealer – by appointment – to Aquaman!
Ray Palmer – gave up his Atom identity to be replaced by Green Arrow for a while.
Cameron Hodge – the biggoted techno-organic foe of the X-Men finally accepted that mutants were a part of life. Since 2009, Hodge has worked at the Best Buy in Ames, Iowa. He’s Assistant Manager in charge of the Geek Squad.
Cyclone – This more-recent JSA member, once an optimistic, youthful ball of energy, continues to emulate Red Tornado by spending all her time crying. The JSA is not returning her calls.
Herbie Popnecker – at 66, Reverend Popnecker uses his lollipop powers exclusively to glorify the Lord Jesus Christ and torment Satan and his legions of demons. He is the founder and senior minister of a mega church in San Antonio Texas.
Monday Haiku
As she breezes in
Women feel her namesake chill
Men: bothered and hot.
Loki… SECRETS!
I got yer Norn Stones right here.
secret…
My proudest moment to date would have to be winning a local day-time Emmy for hard hitting investigative reporting into corrupt Asgardians.
Secret…
Asgardian hair is made of what you mortals call “cotton candy.” It’s delicious.
SECRET…
Sure I tricked Thor to turn into a woman and a frog, and I convinced Odin to banish him to Earth, but I’m most proud of the time I tricked Thor into getting a job at Burger King. “Verily thou hast had it thine way!”
SECRET…
Embarrassing trends and goofy turns of phrase have always been my specialty.
SECRETS!
The LIST – Fill the bubble
Because no one demanded it, this week we’re bringing back the cover caption. Up for consideration is Excalibur #54.
No bag needed, I’ll wear it out of the store.
Does Marcellus Wallace LOOK like a bitch?
First one of you that says something gets Union Jacked Up.
This isn’t the only big red ball I’m wearing.
…then the seal says, you otter know, he’s my brother!
Oh no, this is my everyday clown nose.
Now where’s my Klondike Bar?
I *AM* smiling.
Buy this book or we ALL wear clown make-up.
Stan Lee has a lot to answer for.
Monday Haiku
Dragged into the fray,
He’s the reluctant brother,
Just leave him alone.
Game Tape
There comes a time in a man’s life when he looks back wistfully and reviews the choices that he has made. For me that time happens most Thursday. This is the Game Tape; let’s review shall we?
First up is a look at the best issue of any book that I’ve read in a long time. Goon #39 points out every gimmicky things that Powell sees as being wrong with big company comics today, and for my money he’s not wrong. From reboots and seeming pointless costume changes to poor story craft and jab at a certain rainbow corps, this issue lampoons with a sharp wit.
Next up was an enjoyable done-in-one issue of FF. Without going into detail, this is Peter Parker and Johnny Storm being Peter and Johnny. One’s frustrated, and one is oblivious. I won’t spoil it, but the last two pages are the funniest I’ve seen in a Marvel book since Ego the Living Planet fell in love with Earth. The last page is so great and weird that I’m probably going to use it as my facebook profile pic.
Secret Avengers #26 was fairly meh. It had potential and great art, but it wasted an inordinate amount of time throwing Thor and some b-listers at the Phoenix Force.
All-Star Western #8′s minimal use of the simpering Dr. Arkham was a pleasant read. It’s hampered a little by plot exposition, but it was a decent read.
I also found a copy of Supreme #63. It was as enjoyable as I remembered earlier issues to be. That’s certainly a pleasant surprise, as I’ve recently been burned on things I’ve reread early last decade.
Metamorpho… SECRETS
I haven't hung out with ULTRA the Multi-alien since that time some chippy thought I was his dad. WTH?!?
secret…
Turns out there's a tiny amount of Solaranite in the human body. Yup... solaranite.
Secret…
I love crapping gold nuggets.
SECRET…
I used to like turning into a fart when Stagg and I were alone in an elevator. He hated that.
SECRET…
I hate that Firestorm kid. Puffy sleeves? Really kid?
SECRETS!
