Longshot — Secrets!

by Jesse

The worst thing about only having 4 fingers is that it's harder to do card tricks. Fucking Gambit...

Secrets!

I was the highest rated reality show on Mojoworld for 16 seasons. Until a scandal ruined my goodwill with the audience.

Secrets!

If I have any regrets, it's hooking up with Dazzler that one time. Bitch be trippin'! (That's the right way to say that, right?)

Secrets!

The star on my jacket represents a fiery inferno, like after Storm would make chili.

Secrets!

I'm 1/4 pheasant on my father's side. That makes what we used to do at night on the farm illegal in 47 states.

SECRETS!!!

This Week’s Comics

by Jesse

A light batch this time around.  Here’s this week’s new and noteworthy titles.

  • FANTASTIC FOUR #602 and FF #14 - I confess I don’t know why Marvel decided to release these both on the same day rather than spacing them throughout the month, but I’m getting them both, so I suppose it doesn’t matter.
  • GODZILLA KINGDOM OF MONSTERS #11 - And the monsters keep on rollin’.
  • SECRET AVENGERS #21.1 - I’m caught up through 17 and looking forward to seeing how Rick Remender takes over.  
  • TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES ONGOING #6

Last week Prophet #21 led the new Extreme relaunch, surprising just about everybody, myself included.  I recently re-read (if you can call it that) a few older issues and even with the reliable Chuck Dixon scripting I found them fairly incomprehensible and Stephen Platt’s — which I remember being impressed with at the time — had not aged well at all.  
The conventional wisdom is that this is a European-style book, and while I can’t vouch for that description, it is unlike anything else on the stands right now.  The book allow for absolutely no knowledge of what’s come before, and yet contains many of the Liefeldian tropes you’d expect, like giant knives and orbiting space station acronyms.  The art is highly detailed, yet easy to read and follow.  Earth teems with fauna unlike anything I’ve seen represented in a comic before, a nice sign as to the creativity of the creators.  The plot, though a little on the complex side, is definitely easier to follow than the original series.  

Prophet #21 is currently sold out, but should you find a copy, snag it.  And let it lure you into sampling more of the Extreme 2012 relaunch.  Glory, especially, looks to be a winner, and we’ll finally get the rest of Alan Moore’s Supreme scripts with Erik Larsen providing the art.

That’s it for this week.  What looks good to you?

Secret Weaknesses

by Jesse

Superman has kryptonite. Martian Manhunter has fire. Green Lantern has yellow. There are weaknesses we’ve known for decades, and let’s face it, villains do too. However, with the New 52 DC’s heroes have used a bit of strategy and traded up. For this week’s LIST we present New Weaknesses in the DCU.

  • Martian Manhunter – Kittens

  • Wildcat – mint leaves

  • Booster Gold – Kryptonite

  • Wonder Woman – cigarette smoke

  • Superman – Cheesecake

  • Flash/ Barry Allen – character development (BA-ZINGA!)

  • Captain Marvel, Jr. – Orange Lazarus

  • Aquaman – if you put a blanket over him, he thinks it’s night and goes to sleep

  • Michael Holt – pet dander

  • Jack Hawksmoor – Forced to leave the room any time you mention “Skull and Bones”

  • Jack Knight – bakelite

 

And Now For Something Completely Different

by Jesse

Hi folks,

A bit of administrivia today. You may have heard/read/seen/carrier pigeoned about a couple of bills in front of Congress right now, the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the PROTECT IP Act (PIPA).  We don’t talk politics here, namely because this is a comic book blog and we prefer to focus on things of importance.  However, these Acts  threaten to drastically change the way the Internet works by allowing content creators an unprecedented amount of authority over what can live online.  Seeing as how what we do (and would like to continue doing) is comment on media, and feel First Amendment rights and Fair Use are still of importance in our society, I feel it’s essential to speak out against anything that would prevent that.

Tomorrow, January 18th, many major Internet sites (such as Wikipedia, Reddit, and WordPress) will be blacking out their sites to protest SOPA and show what the Internet could look like without them.

While we are nowhere near the juggernaut these sites are, I’d like to show support, so tomorrow we’re going to black out our page as well.  We’ll be back Thursday, but please check out sopastrike.com for more details.

Thanks,

Jesse

 

This Week’s Comics

by Jesse

Another week, another strange half-dozen assorted comics.  There’s this week’s new and noteworthy titles.

Not your daddy's Prophet comic!

  • PROPHET #21 - The Rob’s Extreme relaunch begins here!  When comicdom’s best writers like Warren Ellis and Rick Remender praise Liefeld’s comics, you KNOW they’re going to be something special.  Prophet looks to be the best of them, as John Prophet’s story picks up years after the original Stephen Platt series and promises a more more European-style book.  I don’t know how much it’ll appeal to me, really, but I’ve GOT to check out such a drastic revamp.
  • STEED AND MRS PEEL #1 (OF 6) - This one is new to me, but it looks like a new Grant Morrison series, so I’m in.
  • SUPERIOR #7 (OF 7) - I picked up the first handful of issues before last year’s experiment and I’m astounded to see it hadn’t wrapped up yet.  And it looks like I hadn’t missed it that much.  
  • THUNDERBOLTS #169
  • VENOM #12 
  • VOLTRON #2 - The Voltron relaunch wasn’t especially good.  Give it a miss unless your love of the big guy won’t let you do otherwise.

If your area is anything like mine, Fatale #1 got a lot of press and sold out quickly.  And with good reason.  Brubaker and Phillips’ latest is essentially a Hellblazer noir title, and the mystery is pretty intriguing.  While the seemingly-endless run of new mysteries is unquestionably producing more misses than hits, this isn’t one of them.  These guys have a great, established track record and I’ll be picking this one up for a while.

That’s it for this week.  What’s looking good to you?

SHAZAM! It’s a LIST!

by Matt

Back in the happy golden days of yore, the Marvel Family was huge. What with Uncle Marvel, Mary, Freddy, and the Lieutenants, by the time the Crisis on Infinite Earths occurred maybe 58 people on Earth S weren’t imbued with powers given them by the Wizard Shazam. This weeks List looks at notable members of the Marvel Family that never got any panel time.

Modern Marvel – Feeling that Billy and company were not “with it” enough the Wizard Shazam granted powers to the hippest most “with it” person he could think of: Pat Boone.

Marvelbot 5000 – A Sivana creation that gained sentience, the K.I.L.L.M.A.R.V.E.L. robot also grew a conscience and has learned to love the Marvel Family.  He can summon the wizard’s lightning when he says the 01010011011010000110000101111010011000010110110100100001, although it short-circuits him and renders him completely useless for an hour.

Santa Marvel – The Santa Claus of Earth S is actually a member of the Marvel Family. How else would he accomplish all of that in a single night?

The Marvel Militia – Armed minutemen in the Rocky Mountains defend the Rock of Eternity from illegals trying to enter without due process from the wizard Shazam.

Andrew Marvel – not to be confused with the poet Andrew Marvell, this guy was given powers for generally being a mensch and because his name is actually Andrew Marvel.

King Marvel – honored by Elvis Presley’s devotion to Captain Marvel, Jr., The King of Rock and Roll was awarded powers to allow him to take care of business in a flash.

Ted Marvel – Ted Nugent was granted special powers after teaching Billy Batson how to dress his own game.

Hobo Marvel – This was just the time that Captain Marvel dressed as a homeless man in order to solve The Mystery of the Hobo Army and became the cleanest hobo the world has ever seen.  Hobo!

The Marvelchaun – Travelling to the end of the rainbow, John Dolemite captured the leprechaun and made a wish: to gain his piece of the Marvel Family powers!    The leprechaun granted his wish, but since the Irish are hated enemies of the wizard Shazam and have no claim to the lightning, Dolemite was given a dark, twisted, Irish version of the powers.  Now whenever he says “Sure An’ Begorra” he becomes the Marvelchaun, a dark imp who plagues the real Marvel Family and can only be banished with corned beef and cabbage.

Li’l Marvel – The adorable, pig-tailed, and lisping next door neighbor of the Wizard Shazam is allowed to call down the thunder from time to time so that she can retrieve her own ball when it lands in his yard.

 

Mojo — Secrets!

by Jesse

I've staged some huge fights before, but nothing compared to the Real Housewives.

Secrets!

I was going to be on The Biggest Loser, but they said my metal legs disqualified me.

Secrets!

When I was twelve I won a dance contest sponsored by a local radio station. WMJO.

Secrets!

My biggest regret? Not getting to make Longshot and Shatterstar kiss on live TV.

Secrets!

I auditioned for the part of Black Dynamite. They said I didn't get it because of the 125 pounds of ugly fat covering my abs, but I think it was because of my hair.

SECRETS!!!